Let It Be
by hulksicle
Summary: Sam thought he'd never see Cas again until a young woman with blue eyes shows up on his doorstep. GENDER BENDER! Fem!Cas, THIS IS A VERY SASSY FIC! Hints of Destiel. ; DISCLAIMER: SPN is not mine. ;-;


"Cas?" Sam was gawking at him, mouth open, eyes wide, "Castiel is that you?"

Cas blushed, or rather his vessel did, the human body he inhabited outwardly displaying the emotions he was still so unused to having. "Yes it's me Sam." He was embarrassed for so many reasons, for his plan blowing up in his face just like Dean said it would, for needed their help to correct his mistakes, and because Sam was staring at him.

"But what… how are you… what is… you're a GIRL?" Sam stumbled over his words, his voice was thick with confusion, with concern, but it was thankfully lacking the ridicule that Cas had feared it would. He blushed again as he realized that Dean probably wouldn't be as kind. Sam stopped trying to get the words out and swallowed hard. He turned around slowly, hands running through his hair, until he came about full circle and looked at Castiel again. "You're alive." Sam's face broke into a smile, slowly and hesitantly, but it was still a smile. "That's all that matters."

Sam meant it, Cas knew he did, Sam would accept him for all of his oddities and his flaws for the same reason he had forgiven Cas when Dean could not. Sam understood what it was like to fall from grace, to be an abomination and apparently Castiel setting himself up as a false god and coming back to life afterward as a woman wasn't enough to stop Sam from accepting him. Cas blushed again, his vessel reacting to the feelings of unworthiness boiling up inside of him. He had almost destroyed the entire Earth, he had ignored the warnings of the Winchesters and worst of all he had gone against his Father.

Yet even now he was being forgiven. The brothers had saved the planet, Sam at least had forgiven him for what he had done, and God had not only brought him back to life but forgave him as well. His vessel's eyes began to tear up in response to his shame and he saw Sam's great bulk through a film of moisture as he choked out a hurried "Thank you."

Sam was sitting on the steps outside of the door of the motel room he and his brother had rented, staring at cracks in the concrete, and trying to figure out what they were supposed to do now that this whole leviathan mess was over. Without Bobby, who had been more like a father than a friend and fellow hunter, and Castiel the angel that had been a constant fixture in their lives for the past four years, his brother Dean was a mess. The promise of vengeance, and the preoccupation of the hunt had kept Dean from wallowing in the despair that Sam knew he felt, but now the leviathan were gone. Dean hadn't gotten his revenge after all, those damn things were too hard to kill, and in the end Crowley, of all people, had helped them throw the beasts back into purgatory.

Now Sam sat there waiting for Dean to hit his breaking point. Their family was dead and gone, their revenge thwarted, and their only ally was the king of Hell. He heard the footsteps before they were anywhere near him, but it wasn't Dean's heavy footed gait that made the sound, so he kept his head down and his eyes on a patch of weeds growing on the curb.

The feet that obscured his view of the dandelions on the curb were small and feminine in a pair of black oxford dress shoes. He raised his head ever so slightly to take in the rest of the woman in front of him. Shapely legs clad in navy hose, a skirt of the same color that began just above her small knees, and a rumpled white shirt and tie above that. Over her right arm were a blue suit jacket and a tan trench coat. Sam's eyes widened and he stood to better see her. She was short and the top of her head, with its long messy dark hair, only came to his shoulder. Her skin was olive and her eyes were a familiar ice blue.

"Sam?" The voice was the same, if a tad higher in pitch, a bit more feminine, but it was still the same. He couldn't believe what he was seeing, but there was no way it could have been anyone else, so he had asked.

"Cas?" And it was him, Castiel, his friend, his family, the answer to the question he had been so hopelessly pondering. He was a girl. Castiel was a girl. But he was still Cas, and so Sam accepted it because that was what Cas had done when Sam had started the apocalypse and drank demon blood and felt completely unforgivable.

And when he saw the tears in the eyes of the strange, yet familiar, woman that was now Castiel, when he heard the emotion in his (her?) voice he did the only thing he could. He moved forward and wrapped his arms around the crying angel.

Castiel stiffened as Sam's arms surrounded him. Hugging was a new concept for the angel, even his time as an almost human had not found him accustomed with human displays of affection. After a few seconds he found himself relaxing as his vessel's natural reaction to the embrace kicked in. Sam's body was warm and his arms were solid; Castiel found his head resting on Sam's chest due to his reduced height. The rhythm of Sam's breathing was soothing and Cas realized how much he had missed this; missed being human, missed being cared for.

The moment passed and the two drew apart. "Dean's inside," Sam said, "He'll want to see you." Cas nodded, and moved toward the door only to be stopped by Sam's hand on his arm. Had it always been that big? Suddenly Castiel felt fragile in comparison to the human, his face flushed and an emotion he couldn't place made his stomach flip flop. Sam looked him in the eye, the 'sad puppy face', as Dean referred to it, firmly in place. "He might not react too well to," he gestured to Castiel's new body, "the way you've changed. At first anyway, just, give him some time okay?"

Castiel nodded, "Okay."

"And Cas?"

"Yes?"

"Don't take him too seriously, alright? He doesn't try to be a dick, but sometimes, well, you know how Dean is."

Castiel nodded and braced himself inwardly as he opened the door. Sam never forgot that words hurt, he'd spent years trying to build up a resistance to Dean's biting remarks and even now Castiel knew that one word from his brother could still send Sam into an emotional tailspin. Dean however didn't seem to understand just how badly the things he said could hurt others, and he spoke with a deliberate frankness that hurt almost as much as it helped. He especially seemed to forget that Castiel had feelings, or at least he did now, thanks to Dean and all of his "free will or die" talk.

It was going to be bad. Dean was going to freak out and he was going to direct all of his discomfort and frustration onto Castiel. Sam still knew his brother that well at least. Poor Cas, Sam knew the angel was more sensitive than he let on, especially when it came to Dean. Dean was the first friend that Castiel had ever really had, and Dean was the first person to ever ask Cas what _he_ wanted out of his life. Sam remembered how he had worshipped his big brother as a kid and he recognized that same look in Cas's eyes when they looked at Dean. He'd also seen the same hurt in them when Dean had admonished Castiel's plan to win Heaven's civil war, the same disappointment of having Dean see him as a child instead of an adult, and the same shame at letting Dean down after going against his advice. It was going to be really bad.

And it was, from the moment Cas walked in the room and got Dean's attention things went south. At first Dean didn't recognize him, which Sam could tell was both a blow and a momentary relief to Castiel. Then he did recognize him, and things really went wrong, there was a lot of confusion and questions and then somehow the yelling started. All it took to get Dean to yell was a stressful situation and someone to say "Calm down," before he would start.

"I AM CALM SAM! WHAT PART OF THIS DOESN'T SEEM CALM TO YOU!"

"How about the part where you're completely flipping out at Cas, huh Dean? Does that seem calm to you?"

"HE'S A FUCKING CHICK SAM. JESUS, DOESN'T THIS WEIRD YOU OUT AT ALL?"

"Of course it does, I mean, it's a little weird, yeah, but it's still Cas." Sam signed, "I mean hell Dean, it's not like he's doing this to try and jack you off or anything. "

Sam's brother sat down on the edge of the motel room bed and ran his hand over his face. Sam knew Dean didn't mean to come off as harsh as he did; Dean was the glue that held everyone he knew together and in the process he had himself come completely undone. He could see the veins in his brother's neck pop as he strained to regain his composure, and he saw how his brother glanced longingly at the bottle of Jameson when he removed his hand from his face.

But Sam idolized Dean for a reason, and once again his brother put them before himself and he turned away from the bottle on the kitchenette and focused his gaze on the woman who was now Castiel. "I didn't mean to freak out Cas. But God this is some freaky shit." Sam smiled to himself, Dean's apologies were always a bit, unorthodox.

"It's a new vessel," Cas said in his slow serious drawl, "Jimmy was destroyed by the leviathan and refused to be resurrected again, it was time for his reward and he stayed in heaven."

"So who are you wearing now?" Dean asked, his tone was sarcastic but not as accusatory as it had been.

"His cousin," Cas sighed, "Apparently he doesn't have much of a family, and the family he does have isn't particularly pious; with the exception of his cousin Jen, whom I'm 'wearing', as you so eloquently put it."

"Why didn't you switch to her back when Jimmy ran away before?" Sam asked, it seemed to him that would have been a simpler solution than Castiel's previous strategy of possessing the man's daughter in order to black mail him into accepting a life as Cas's vessel.

"I thought perhaps this body would make you uncomfortable," Cas sighed in a very un-angel like way, "It seems that I was correct about that."

It did make Sam uncomfortable; Castiel's new vessel was attractive in a cute sort of way and Sam didn't feel right acknowledging that when Cas was the person inside. Cas was still Cas, even if his body was female, it was still Castiel inside. Right?

The tense reunion with Dean had ended, and after being doused in holy water, Dean had embraced him and even apologized, sort of. But the hug from Dean wasn't like the hug from Sam. Sam's embrace had been tender where Dean's had been a short, squeeze you tight, and then pat you on the back, manly sort of hug. Dean's hug had been just like every other hug he'd had with the hunter before, but Sam had never acted so gentle with him.

Castiel wondered if it was because his body was female instead of male and blushed when he realized the implications of such a thing. He was inexperienced but he knew how men treated women differently when they had certain notions about them. He'd always been fond of Sam, it was different from the way he was fond of Dean, but he was not sure if that fondness constituted the sort of feelings that pizza men felt for baby sitters.

Cas sat on the bed that Dean wasn't on and unsuccessfully stifled a yawn. Sam and Dean had almost identical looks of confusion on their faces as they turned in a perfect synchronization to stare at him. "Did you just yawn?" Sam asked.

"Yes."

"I thought angels didn't get tired." Dean interjected.

"Angels don't need sleep because of the energy their vessels receive from their grace. However," Castiel continued in his girlish voice, "if an angel has fallen from grace, or their grace is lost or diminished then their vessel would require all of the rest and nourishment of a normal human. Or close to it. Remember Anna? She wasn't completely human, she was an angel in a vessel technically, and do you remember when we were trying to stop the apocalypse?"

"You fell asleep in the Impala," Sam said quietly.

"Exactly, my grace was leaving me due to my extended stay on Earth and my disobedience, making me essentially human. The same thing is happening now." Cas stated matter of factly.

"You lost your grace?" Sam asked incredulously.

"Essentially, yes."

"Makes sense to me." Dean mumbled as he rose from the bed.

"What?" Sam stared at his brother and Castiel could feel the impending argument the same way he could feel electricity in the air before a lightning strike. "How could you say something like that?"

"What Sammy? I'm not trying to be mean or anything. Sorry Cas," He shot a glance at the woman on the bed, "But let's be honest here, you teamed up with the king of Hell, opened purgatory, ate a bunch of monster souls, and then pretended to be God. We passed up your run of the mill AWOL angel disobedience a while back."

Castiel nodded slowly as Dean recounted his transgressions. He knew that he deserved to be punished, that he deserved much worse than losing his grace, but Sam didn't seem to share that sentiment.

Sam wanted to hit his brother over the head with the bottle he had glued to his lips. He was talking about Castiel as if no one had ever made a mistake before. Their friend was alive and he was judging him. Instead of being upset that Cas had lost his grace, instead of being empathetic to Castiel's loss he was empathizing with the holy big wigs that had demoted Cas to human. Sam put up with a lot of crap from Dean, especially since Bobby and Cas had died, but now Cas was back and Sam was sick of dealing with Dean's smart ass remarks.

"What the fuck Dean?"

"What the fuck Dean, what?"

"Don't act like Cas is the only person who ever made a mistake, ok? We've all fucked up here, or did you forget that you broke the first seal?"

"Excuse me Sam?"

"Don't act like Cas is the only guilty person in this room Dean!"

"I'm not Sam." Dean's voice was not raised, or even harsh. "I know what I've done. Just like Cas knows what he did. "The Jameson bottle now empty, Dean picked up his flask and shook it, satisfied that it was full enough he tucked it into his worn leather jacket. "I'm going out for a drink, don't wait up."

With that Dean left the motel and left Sam still standing in the middle of the room anger replaced by a sense that he had wrongly accused his older brother. Sam hated that while it always seemed like Dean judged everyone unfairly it was really him that got it wrong while Dean was usually dead on. For all of his brother's harsh words and abrasive personality Sam knew that he was actually a much better person that most, and sometimes, Sam thought, that included him as well. It wasn't enough that Dean was always right while Sam seemed to constantly make the wrong choices, he also had to be a constant reminder that there was something inside Sam that was wrong. It didn't matter that Azaezel was dead or that he didn't use his psychic mojo anymore because Sam knew that deep down a part of him was still that person. You could stop drinking demon blood, but you simply couldn't get rid of your own.

"Poor Sammy." Where Dean had been moments before now sat Lucifer, or a hallucination of him, Sam could never keep it straight in his head, "Your big brother is still a better person than you. Even jumping into the pit couldn't quite reform you could it."

"Shut up."

"Sam?" Castiel got up off of the bed and moved toward the hunter.

"Oh Sam, really, let's not start that again. We should get back to the issue at hand. After all of this time you're still doubting your big brother, even after all of the trouble you caused by not listening to him. Starting the apocalypse, saying yes, I mean you couldn't even over power me without him holding your hand. I'm ashamed to say Sammy; it seems he's just a higher quality of man than you could ever be."

"SHUT UP!"

"SAM!" Cas shook his arm violently trying to snap Sam back to reality. He'd been standing there in the aftermath of his fight with Dean when he'd suddenly just begun staring at nothing. His eyes were fixed on some person or vision that Castiel couldn't see, and then he'd begun to talk. Then he started shaking his head as if he was hearing someone else say terrible things, and then he'd raised his voice even louder than he had with Dean. He'd kept yelling too, saying "shut up" over and over again. His face was red and his hands were clenched. "Sam, calm down."

Sam's eyes closed slowly and he began to shake his head as if to clear it of a certain thought. He allowed Cas to lead him to a chair by the small table and sat down heavily, hands still clenched. When he opened his eyes he immediately glanced in the direction he'd been staring so intensely at, and shut them again quickly. A moment passed and he didn't open his eyes, instead he un-balled his fists and pressed his hands to his ears and murmured, "Shut up, oh God please just go away." It was barely a whisper, more of a prayer than anything, and it scared Cas terribly.

"Sam," Cas called the man's name gently and knelt in front of him as Sam bent to rest his head near his knees. "Sam, who do you want to go away? Sam? What's wrong?"

"Make him go away Cas," the younger Winchester sounded close to tears, "He won't leave me alone."

"Who won't leave you alone Sam?"

"He never stops talking. Day and night, he's always there, whispering such awful things." Sam's voice broke into a whimper and he pressed his hands more tightly against his head.

Castiel's stomach dropped as he realized what was happening. His small hands grasped either side of Sam's face as he forced Sam to look him in the eye. "Sam can you see Lucifer? Is he talking to you."

"Yes, he never STOPS Cas." Sam's eyes were wild with fear and Cas noticed how dark the circles under them were, as if he hadn't had a real night's rest in weeks. "It's been months and he hasn't stopped. He just keeps talking, day and night, and I can't take it anymore Cas! I just… can't take it anymore…" He slumped back down in his chair, pulling his face from Castiel's grip and resting it in his own. "I'm so tired."

Castiel didn't know what to do, so he did what Sam had and wrapped his arms around him. His vessel's arms weren't able to reach all the way around the hunched man, but his grip was tight and warm. A minute passed and he felt Sam relax in his arms, a slight shudder went through them and Castiel suspected Sam was trying to suppress a sob. He tried to be strong in front of Dean, Cas knew, because he didn't want Dean to worry about him. But Cas also knew how much harder that made things on Sam, just like it had made things harder for him.

In Castiel's embrace Lucifer's taunting grew quieter and quieter until Sam couldn't hear the jibes and venomous remarks that hadn't stopped in almost a year. Unable to contain himself Sam let out a sob of relief before regaining control of his body and emotions.


End file.
